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20 December 2005 @ 09:14 pm
Unbearable Lightness of Being  
Despite my being sick this week I am suddenly overcome by a sense of euphoria. Freedom is so close that I can taste it. I have just 7 days left before I am finished at my current job. I suppose at some point the fear will be back, probably when I sit down and update my resume or start faxing it out. But that's not until February. For this coming month I am going to focus on what improves my health and what my body image business is going to look like, along with pleasure and art and music and writing, all things I have too little time to enjoy normally. No more Sunday night depressions! No more living for the weekend! For one month I am on my own schedule and am my own boss.

I feel that in a way I am reclaiming the kind of break I should have had when I was off to recover from heart surgery. It tormented me that I had so much free time and felt so poorly that I couldn't take advantage of it to do all the things I wanted. Now I can. It's not the 4 month break I enjoyed then, but it'll do for now. If I need more, and we can work out the money, I will take more. I have the 401K money to draw from. Goddess knows I won't need it for retirement.

I am going to make out a schedule for myself. Left without direction I can see slumping into a depression over my fear of job hunting looming over me...retreating into sleep and tv watching. I am aiming to get out of the house every day for a walk. If the weather is bad, a mall walk as a last resort. Every day I will cook one meal from scratch. Every day I will do some writing. Every day I will work on the details of my classes and writing the handouts for them, or some other facet of the business. Every day I will have some fun, kick up the music and dance, make love to my husband or do some art.

I plan to start off my free month with a massage. I need to set up the appointment soon. Perhaps a massage and a hot tub. I already have acupuncture that morning. Perhaps I will take a walk first, then to acupuncture, then to a massage, and finish off with the hot tub. Then I can come back home and cook up a feast of wholesome foods like I used to when I was a full time mom. My husband will come home and I shall feed him and take him off to bed.

How's that for the first day of the rest of my life?