Tapati (tapati) wrote,

Mixed feelings

My week at work was one of wild lows and highs. I felt the high of relief after finally giving notice, exitement about leaving, sadness to be leaving my friends at work, sadness to have to tell them I was leaving, and the odd sort of tension with my boss who I've known and worked with for so many years. Perhaps we haven't always gotten along perfectly but for the most part we like and respect each other. Now we won't be seeing each other very often at all, and that's sinking in on both sides. At the same time, our official relationship as boss and departing employee preclude our being able to speak frankly about our thoughts and feelings at this time. I can't really air my grievances while hoping for a good reference. I imagine she's still worried about my taking some kind of legal action so she can't really talk much to me other than about covering my tasks. It's very stilted and awkward and I wish we could just sit down and talk openly. Instead there are veiled messages and awkward silences, emails that talk around our feelings, and no way to ever transition to some sort of friendship that I can see. So it is a parting of the ways, and it makes me sad. I always thought it would be great if we could be friends, as I was with another boss, Maxine. But this time I doubt that it's possible.

I would be willing to sit down and try to talk it over some day when I'm safely employed elsewhere and my feelings about it are not so acute.

With regard to leaving my safe job and venturing out into the great unknown job market, I am now 75% excited and 25% scared. There are no guarantees in life. However, if I can leave a good job at a fairly benign workplace, I can always leave any bad workplace I encounter. I am as free as I am willing to be.

I am very tired after dealing with all of these feelings all week long, as well as the people who inspire them. I'm also premenstrual, which certainly doesn't help.

Just three more weeks and this part will be done, and I can move forward into my new life. However it turns out, at least I was brave enough to take that step and try to make changes. That's progress, for me.
Tags: bio, faith, fear, job

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