I found out shortly after the new year that I have been awarded disability by the Social Security Administration. (SSDI) I wanted to sit with my feelings about that before announcing it. It's been a struggle to get through the process and the appeals. It's been humiliating documenting how impaired I am and in how many ways. It's insulting to be approached with a "you're probably a cheat, prove you're not" attitude and it's hard to deal with our society's scorn for people who get disability payments. When I began the process I did so only because we were paying a huge chunk of Dave's income in rent--more than half--and it was an economic necessity to do so. It's slightly less so now that we have cheaper accommodations (we do pay towards repairs and taxes on our current home).

On the bright side when they finally send me a check including some retroactive benefits I'll be able to pay some people back. I'll be able to provide for some of my unmet medical needs without feeling like a drain on my husband. He never says that I am, he's been incredibly generous and good about having our sole support land on his shoulders, but I feel it keenly. It will take anywhere from a month to several weeks before any funds arrive. I will be able to get a chair that doesn't cut into my thighs and supports my back. I will get some help cleaning the house (it embarrasses me that I can't do it all myself). Every month won't be a struggle.

Trying to remind myself that I paid into this with my taxes. (FICA I love you now.)