Tapati (tapati) wrote,

Why Do You Dwell On The Past?

Today at No Longer Quivering, Vyckie answers critics who ask her why she's dwelling on the past and why can't she just move on? It's a question we both get, so I'll include my answer here. I touched on this a few weeks ago, which in part inspired her post, which inspired me to re-visit it. :)

Frankly, I wouldn't bother to do this writing out of revenge or bitterness. It's harder on me than on my former abuser! He might be momentarily embarrassed when an entry appears and have to fend off a few comments by saying, "Oh yeah that's my crazy ex-wife; she's just bitter."

I have to relive hours of this stuff in order to write it. I have to feel it all over again. No amount of revenge would make that worth it to me.

No, I write with young women like my former self in mind, sincerely wanting their marriage to work and not understanding the dynamics sufficiently to know when it won't. I write for the young Mahasrayas out there who are puzzled and ashamed by their behavior and don't understand why they abuse their wives, why they feel powerless over the anger and frustration.

I also write for all of those people who make it worse by demonizing the abuser and by belittling those who are abused, by saying they ask for it or they must like it or otherwise dehumanizing them.

I write with the hope that more people will think deeply about these issues and come away with a renewed desire to do whatever they can to end the cycle of abuse and care for the victims, while providing services to heal the batterer. I also hope that we can offer our teens classes in good communication, managing feelings, and other skills that might enable them to start out with better relationships than their own parents had, if they come from troubled families.

I think anyone writing solely out of bitterness wouldn't get very far because the process is so unpleasant. It's not the kind of motivation that would sustain you.
Tags: abuse, bio, domestic violence, mahasraya, memoir, writing
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