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26 August 2010 @ 03:29 pm
Why Do You Dwell On The Past?  
Today at No Longer Quivering, Vyckie answers critics who ask her why she's dwelling on the past and why can't she just move on? It's a question we both get, so I'll include my answer here. I touched on this a few weeks ago, which in part inspired her post, which inspired me to re-visit it. :)

Frankly, I wouldn't bother to do this writing out of revenge or bitterness. It's harder on me than on my former abuser! He might be momentarily embarrassed when an entry appears and have to fend off a few comments by saying, "Oh yeah that's my crazy ex-wife; she's just bitter."

I have to relive hours of this stuff in order to write it. I have to feel it all over again. No amount of revenge would make that worth it to me.

No, I write with young women like my former self in mind, sincerely wanting their marriage to work and not understanding the dynamics sufficiently to know when it won't. I write for the young Mahasrayas out there who are puzzled and ashamed by their behavior and don't understand why they abuse their wives, why they feel powerless over the anger and frustration.

I also write for all of those people who make it worse by demonizing the abuser and by belittling those who are abused, by saying they ask for it or they must like it or otherwise dehumanizing them.

I write with the hope that more people will think deeply about these issues and come away with a renewed desire to do whatever they can to end the cycle of abuse and care for the victims, while providing services to heal the batterer. I also hope that we can offer our teens classes in good communication, managing feelings, and other skills that might enable them to start out with better relationships than their own parents had, if they come from troubled families.

I think anyone writing solely out of bitterness wouldn't get very far because the process is so unpleasant. It's not the kind of motivation that would sustain you.
Warrior of Worrywarriorofworry on August 26th, 2010 10:52 pm (UTC)
And You are not alone;
Also to show survival is possible? That processing is optimal, even if painful?
I was writing an entry of my own (f-locked, but even so) about therapy, while you were posting yours (lol), and those are some of the reasons I expose myself/history/process.
Tapatitapati on August 27th, 2010 02:10 am (UTC)
Re: And You are not alone;
That too! It's important to light the path out and show the sunlight beyond the darkness.

I look forward to writing more about my current marriage as a counterpoint to marriage number 1.

Mari Adkinsmariadkins on August 26th, 2010 11:25 pm (UTC)
Actually I've learned that not being able to forgive / let go is a big ADHD symptom. When I found that out a huge light bulb went off in my head - a true "duh" moment.

I have to relive hours of this stuff in order to write it. I have to feel it all over again.

Done that. It's the pits.
Tapatitapati on August 27th, 2010 02:10 am (UTC)
It is, and I'm probably foolish to do it at the same time I'm dealing with chronic illness/pain and resulting depression.
Christinekisekileia on August 28th, 2010 02:47 am (UTC)
Do you have ADHD?
Tapatitapati on August 29th, 2010 12:21 am (UTC)
Me? Now that I have, in the past few years, acquired various cognitive problems, attention deficit seems to be one of them, but I haven't been officially tested. (My neurologist ordered cognitive testing and my former insurance HMO turned the request down, twice. I didn't have energy to fight it. I wanted to get a baseline before I lost more ground.)

I suspect this is the aftermath of my earlier abuse--multiple blows to the head over time.
carmy_wcarmy_w on August 27th, 2010 05:01 pm (UTC)
I've been blessed to have never gone through nearly as much abuse as most of you writers on NLQ have; if I had, and someone asked me this...I'm afraid I'd have gone off on them.
But I have to remember it does no good to feed the trolls.(although I know that most of the people asking this question are well-meaning people, even if they are more often than not on the other side of the patriarchy fence)
Tapatitapati on August 29th, 2010 12:22 am (UTC)
Some people will never understand and of course, I don't expect my ex to be happy that I'm telling my story. I haven't heard anything from him, though.
Erik: asylumeriktrips on August 28th, 2010 03:47 am (UTC)
Personally I'd be happy to stop dwelling on the past if it would stop dwelling on me. In my experience, CPTSD doesn't just go away because you decide you aren't going to think about those things anymore. Well, the way it worked in my case was I was able to convince myself I was all better only to find out that psychosis was waiting for me round the bend.

Shit has consequences. I may forgive you for breaking my arm--and I might not, because that's my choice--but it's going to need a cast all the same.
Tapatitapati on August 29th, 2010 12:23 am (UTC)
Yes, when one still has various symptoms years later while it seems the abuser has just gone merrily on with his or her life, it is difficult to "just let it go." :(