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30 June 2010 @ 12:08 pm
Feel Sorry For The Poor Batterers  
Inevitably someone will ask why batterers can't find redemption. That's already happened in response to my other post today.

Well, sure they can! I hope they do!

And yes, I feel sorry that they experienced some childhood trauma that may have contributed to their behavior. If they need help to heal from that, learn how to appropriately manage their feelings and communicate better in relationships so they won't be violent, I'm all for it.

I think batterers can and should change and we as a society should make sure there are classes, support groups and therapists available to assist with that--free of charge if necessary.

But, let me make myself very clear, our primary sympathy should be with the victims as is the case in any crime.

We can both have compassion for perpetrators while we hold them accountable.

When it comes to Chris Brown, yes by all means find redemption and go on with your career. But keep your tears to yourself and don't expect us to reassure you when Rihanna is still recovering from the experience. Don't put Brown on an awards show before you've celebrated her career! He doesn't (or shouldn't) need public adoration to convince him he's likable or forgiven just because he's a celebrity.

I've been shocked at how many more people supported Chris Brown than those who supported Rihanna. I shouldn't be; I've long known how most people are more comfortable blaming the victim and asking what's wrong with her rather than asking how could the perpetrator be so violent.

Gosh, I'm sorry poor Chris Brown used his fists to nearly destroy his career and how he used his hands to choke Rihanna as he bashed her head into the car door until she lost consciousness. My heart bleeds for him. We should all line up to comfort him now, even though she'll never get those moments completely out of her head or forget how vulnerable she is. But Chris Brown witnessed violence as a child so we should feel even more sorry for him.

Doesn't anyone see the imbalance here?

I have to wonder, if this assault wasn't with his then-girlfriend in the semi-private space of a car, but instead he assaulted a woman AT the Grammy Awards that night in the same manner, someone he was not in a relationship with, would BET be ready this soon to give him such a spotlight? Wouldn't he, in fact, be in jail even now?
 
 
 
W. Lotus: Peacefulwlotus on June 30th, 2010 10:31 pm (UTC)
They would have NEVER given him the spotlight, even if he wasn't in jail.

I'm all for redemption, too. But I am appalled BET would give Chris Brown that kind of spotlight before doing anything to shine the spotlight on the horror of women being beaten by men.
Mari Adkinsmariadkins on June 30th, 2010 10:36 pm (UTC)
And yes, I feel sorry that they experienced some childhood trauma

What I'll never understand is how brothers can grow up so different. One can be exemplary and the other can be a complete douche. (pardon my language) Or how a man can beat one woman half to death and then meet someone else and treat her like a complete angel. It boggles the mind and I've learned not to dwell on it. I need the space and energy for other things. ;)

I've long known how most people are more comfortable blaming the victim and asking what's wrong with her rather than asking how could the perpetrator be so violent

:nods: It's this attitude that cost me 18 years of therapy. I started therapy because I needed it badly when I left David and I could have gotten it for free on campus as long as I was a student. (at least it was therapy right? lol) But the person made the mistake of asking me, "What did you do to make him hit you?" I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. But after that session was over, I never went back. So I've gone without therapy and without medications for 18 years now. 18 years too long.
Christinekisekileia on July 1st, 2010 12:55 am (UTC)
...Holy shit. That should have gotten the "therapist" fired.
Mari Adkinsmariadkins on July 1st, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
...Holy shit. That should have gotten the "therapist" fired.

I was 22 and leaving a horrible marriage at the time. It wasn't something I knew I could turn in and nor did I know where to turn it in. If I had it to do over ...
Mari Adkinsmariadkins on July 1st, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
...Holy shit. That should have gotten the "therapist" fired.

I was 22 and leaving a horrible marriage at the time. It wasn't something I knew I could turn in and nor did I know where to turn it in. If I had it to do over ...
Mari Adkinsmariadkins on July 1st, 2010 02:35 am (UTC)
for the record that bunny cracks me up.
Tapatitapati on July 1st, 2010 01:21 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry that was done to you. That should get someone fired and/or loss of license.

I think therapists are much better now, at least all of mine have been.
Mari Adkinsmariadkins on July 1st, 2010 02:33 am (UTC)
The therapist I just left was terrific. I miss her terribly. But she's a psychologist and unable to prescribe drugs. I would have had to have waited until October to see that clinic's psychologist. I can't wait that long. Too, her clinic doesn't treat ADHD. So now I'm going to the clinic Thomas goes to. And they're just as terrific there. They have a readily available psychiatrist on staff, and all of the therapists are nurse practitioners.

That should get someone fired and/or loss of license.

If I'd known to do such a thing back then, I would have.
Christinekisekileia on July 1st, 2010 12:56 am (UTC)
It's funny how few people realize how much victim-blaming our society does until it happens to them.