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30 June 2010 @ 09:48 am
Chris Brown's Tears  
I can't speak for others, but as I watched Chris Brown break into tears on BET's awards show I had flashbacks to how my abuser would cry after beating me and I would end up comforting him.

When I couple that with the growing push for survivors to all "forgive" as if it's a requirement and we're stupid or selfish or hurting ourselves if we don't, I feel that I am supposed to somehow participate in forgiving Chris Brown. Well, forgiveness is not something that needs to come from me. I'm not the one he terrorized that night.

On a practical level, yes I want abusers to "recover" if by recover we mean the same thing as in alcohol or drug treatment--recover from whatever compels this ugly and damaging behavior and learn to be nonviolent.

But I don't think we're required to hold a love fest for them so they can feel like everybody forgives them and reassure them that they are good people. This is work they can do with a therapist and/or a support group, just like anyone else with a troubling compulsive behavior. If batterers don't have programs to help them change, there will just be more battered women in the future. So yes, by all means, "recover." But do so on your own time.

I also had to wonder, why wasn't BET holding this love-fest for Rihanna?

I think BET needs to do some kind of big program to benefit domestic violence survivors and educate the community. Every network ought to do their part, of course, but BET needs to reach out to the survivors who were affected as I was by this show. Let them also address how the misogynist lyrics of rap songs feed into this violence.

And let's not forget Rihanna and what she suffered. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQSeYNhWAak
W. Lotus: Peacefulwlotus on June 30th, 2010 05:38 pm (UTC)
You are absolutely correct. I am going to share this post with others.
Tapatitapati on June 30th, 2010 08:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
(Anonymous) on June 30th, 2010 06:01 pm (UTC)
What ever
As i read this blog i thought why why can't someone actually be remorseful for what they have done EVERYONE makes mistakes EVERYONE i could see if he was always in the news about beating up a female but he wasn't some people do learn from there mistakes and don't do them again but it seems like he jst cant get a chance to prove he has because of people like you who for whatever reason stayed with someone that was kickin there butt and sayin sorry and u forgiving them. I have been there and it was up to me to leave and get myself out of that. Now if he does go back and does this again thats on him and his dumb self. But as far as the BET awards go he did an excellent job dancing to MJ and i applaud BET for at least giving him a second chance...
Tapatitapati on June 30th, 2010 06:37 pm (UTC)
Re: What ever
I did leave. Rihanna left.

I'm happy Chris is trying to change. Really, I am. I hope all men who batter do get help and stop the cycle of violence.

I'm not saying Chris Brown should never perform in public again--just why would they have him doing this big performance before they support/showcase Rihanna's talent? I think it was too soon. And please, no public tears. Keep that stuff off stage or don't perform until you keep it together.

I do hope he heals and never does this again. I'm fine with his career moving forward. But don't expect us all to lavish him with the kind of compassion and sympathy that rightfully belongs to Rihanna.
W. Lotus: Peacefulwlotus on July 1st, 2010 02:50 am (UTC)
Re: What ever
I am more impressed by change than by public apologies and tears. Because as you said, the public isn't the one he abused; Rihanna is. Apologizing to us is meaningless. Crying to us even less so.
Christinekisekileia on July 1st, 2010 01:04 am (UTC)
Re: What ever
No, it wasn't up to you to leave. It was up to your abuser to stop abusing you. You're victim-blaming, which is just as harmful when you yourself are the victim as when anyone else is. Victims who blame themselves tend to sell out their fellow victims.
Tapatitapati on July 1st, 2010 01:19 am (UTC)
Re: What ever
Exactly. Thank you for pointing that out!