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17 August 2009 @ 02:50 pm
Fran, You're Right As Usual  
Damn you! :)

By putting on the brave front, not talking about how we feel, delaying taking our pain meds and so on, we're doing the equivalent of trying to "pass."

I remember Whoopi Goldberg's routine about the little black girl with the "long luxurious blond hair" that had tried to sit in bleach to turn her skin white. I thought it was one of the saddest things I'd ever heard, next to my friend Karen's daughter not wanting to go to school when she was little because she didn't want to get assassinated like Martin Luther King.

You're right, I find myself wanting social acceptance from my healthy friends and not wanting to be such a drag that they avoid me. But some of them are avoiding me anyway so my efforts at minimizing and hoping for a cure and being good haven't earned me much. Most of the time I think I ought to be able to endure pain better as if I could earn some prize for doing so.

Thanks for the reminder! I'm sure just being myself will take less energy than aiming for some kind of saintly, silently suffering persona that bears no resemblance to me. Goddess knows energy is in short supply these days.
ADVENTURES OF ILLGRACE ET FILSillgrace on August 19th, 2009 06:16 pm (UTC)
I don't get it
Why would anyone want to 'pass' if they are ill? Friends are friends and your friends embrace ALL of you and would take your pain away if they could. I KNOW this to be true. I've never talked to you in 'real life', but although you write eloquently about such things, I can't imagine you pissing and moaning about imagined problems or being a drama-queen - quite the opposite. I can imagine we would have a great conversation , including discussing pain and illness yet it would be uplifting, not a downer . The people I am now tending to avoid are those that not only have problems just to have them ( sympathy vote type) but consider their self-given problems to be their defining characteristic. You've NEVER done that.

One of the most admirable things I find about you ( what little I know) is you post broadly and deeply on many things and don't let your very real and enervating problems stop you from living and adding to other people's life enormously.

So...cyber-slap! :), be you. And if others can't see beyond your problems? Fuck 'em. 'Scuse my indelicate language.

Tapatitapati on August 19th, 2009 11:48 pm (UTC)
Re: I don't get it
Fran had written a post about how those of us who have chronic pain, illness, disabilities, etc,, often do minimize our experience in various ways so we appear more socially acceptable. In the end it just makes us feel more isolated. Yes I've done this. I've silenced myself many times in social gatherings or one-on-one time with friends rather than become that downer person no one wants to be with. Fran made me think about it some more, she asked "Is it working?" and no, it isn't really. It doesn't serve me in any way and it takes a lot of energy. While illness isn't the only thing there is to my life, it still plays a big part and I have tried to minimize it as much as possible. I try to ignore it myself, what to speak of how I present to others.

Times like these do let you know who your true friends are and I'm grateful to count you among them.

Still enjoying your travelogue although this is a migraine week for me so I haven't commented every time. Thank you for writing it. :)