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30 August 2005 @ 02:02 am
Surgiversary  
On this day 4 years ago I had open heart surgery. I'm always glad to have another year of survival under my belt, but it brings up a lot of feelings. I'll probably write more later today. Right now I'm tired and preoccupied with my forum being down. (See post below.)

Huh, right now I'm actually wearing the shirt in my default icon. It's still looking pretty good after over a decade of wear.

Me too.

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12:45 PM

Still pondering. For awhile heart disease completely dominated my life, and I had so many lingering complications and ongoing chest pain that constantly reminded me of it. While there's no escaping its presence in my life, now I am trying to simply use it to prioritize the things in life that are most important to me.

I have an old journal entry I wrote after I got out of the hospital, just after 9/11, when the implications of that event hadn't had time to sink in. For me, trying to recover from surgery and having my personal world turned upside down, 9/11 served to magnify the feelings of doom and dread and destruction I already had. I really needed respite, and what I got was all disaster all the time as 9/11 took over all stations on my TV. I couldn't tear myself away from it either. I almost cried with relief when the late night talk show hosts came back, almost apologetically. I wanted to kiss them and yell at them that what they do matters so much in a world where if we don't laugh we won't stop crying.

My 2001 entries here are from my paper journal, and here's the one directly about my surgery:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/tapati/2001/09/13/

I will continue this entry later.

------

I was just talking to daveseeker a little while ago. It made me think of the many blessings of these last 4 years, 4 years that I might otherwise not have had.

*meeting and enjoying my grandons, first and foremost
*more time with my wonderful husband and daughter
*more time with my equally wonderful friends
*more time with my great co-workers
*more time to write
*the chance to meet other former devotees and start a forum together so we have a place to call our own.
*training and volunteering on the suicide prevention hotline, meeting the brave and wonderful callers and volunteers
*working with Triangle Speakers on educating people about glbt issues
*myriad music, books and movies--LOTR!--that I've been able to enjoy
*a chance to visit Keokuk and Chicago again
*meeting new people here at Livejournal
*great new car!
*scanning family photos and working on family history, including the cookbook
*seeing Aunt Pauline and my Mom's friend Bonny again
*connecting with other far flung friends after my surgery, just to let them know how much I love them
*a heightened awareness that I should not waste my time here, feeling successful at doing that
*finding a lot of good resources for facing death, feeling more prepared, feeling like I've reviewed and learned the lessons from my life

If I were to die tomorrow, I would die satisfied that I haven't wasted this last 4 years and that I've done what I can to prepare the people I leave behind and make it a little easier on them.

Blessed be--

Tapati
 
 
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