Huh, right now I'm actually wearing the shirt in my default icon. It's still looking pretty good after over a decade of wear.
Still pondering. For awhile heart disease completely dominated my life, and I had so many lingering complications and ongoing chest pain that constantly reminded me of it. While there's no escaping its presence in my life, now I am trying to simply use it to prioritize the things in life that are most important to me.
I have an old journal entry I wrote after I got out of the hospital, just after 9/11, when the implications of that event hadn't had time to sink in. For me, trying to recover from surgery and having my personal world turned upside down, 9/11 served to magnify the feelings of doom and dread and destruction I already had. I really needed respite, and what I got was all disaster all the time as 9/11 took over all stations on my TV. I couldn't tear myself away from it either. I almost cried with relief when the late night talk show hosts came back, almost apologetically. I wanted to kiss them and yell at them that what they do matters so much in a world where if we don't laugh we won't stop crying.
My 2001 entries here are from my paper journal, and here's the one directly about my surgery:
I will continue this entry later.
I was just talking to daveseeker a little while ago. It made me think of the many blessings of these last 4 years, 4 years that I might otherwise not have had.
*meeting and enjoying my grandons, first and foremost
*more time with my wonderful husband and daughter
*more time with my equally wonderful friends
*more time with my great co-workers
*more time to write
*the chance to meet other former devotees and start a forum together so we have a place to call our own.
*training and volunteering on the suicide prevention hotline, meeting the brave and wonderful callers and volunteers
*working with Triangle Speakers on educating people about glbt issues
*myriad music, books and movies--LOTR!--that I've been able to enjoy
*a chance to visit Keokuk and Chicago again
*meeting new people here at Livejournal
*great new car!
*scanning family photos and working on family history, including the cookbook
*seeing Aunt Pauline and my Mom's friend Bonny again
*connecting with other far flung friends after my surgery, just to let them know how much I love them
*a heightened awareness that I should not waste my time here, feeling successful at doing that
*finding a lot of good resources for facing death, feeling more prepared, feeling like I've reviewed and learned the lessons from my life
If I were to die tomorrow, I would die satisfied that I haven't wasted this last 4 years and that I've done what I can to prepare the people I leave behind and make it a little easier on them.