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16 August 2001 @ 01:02 am
hovering pattern  
Today (August 15) was my first day back at work. I felt really tired but realized that part of it was emotional exhaustion. This is quite an adjustment to make and I should be patient with myself.

They are being very kind at work. Peggy authorized 8 hours of pto extra to be added to mine.

Spoke to Becca today on the phone and then she came by work, as she was in town. I was glad to be able to see her. And with her father's experience with heart disease in mind, she could be really encouraging. She's watched him recover from bypass, as well as Maureen's Dad, and both are doing well.

So I'm a little less afraid of bypass.

And trying to get used to living with this. I keep having the image of a time bomb in my chest...it could go off any time. It might be a dud (not harmful) or highly explosive (major heart attack), and I don't know what time it's set for. But then, isn't that always true? And haven't I always thought it would be better to have a little advance warning rather than a sudden, accidental or unexpected death? So here's my warning!

Before the trip I drew the wolf card. Today I drew the bat. Wolf is about divine guidance or teaching, and bat is about death/rebirth. It's a good thing I was able to have some intuition last winter about this heart problem because I bought various books on death and spirituality that are just the thing I need now.

I bought a bunch of healthy foods at New Leaf and am working out my "diet" to lose the required weight. I will try to do so without obsessing, if I can.

Dave is worrying about my winter depression and whether I will just give up and die--not take care of myself. I need to reassure him.

What a lesson for me! To learn the value of this life I was so willing to throw away!


I died as mineral and became a plant,
I died as plant and rose to animal.
I died as animal and I was human.
Why should I fear? When was I less by dying?

Yet once more I shall die human.
To soar with angels blesed above.
And when I sacrifice my angel soul
I shall become what no mind ever conceived.


Rumi
 
 
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