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30 July 2007 @ 01:19 pm
Dear Ovaries...  
daveseeker sent me this from craigslist:

Dear Ovaries,

I am writing this letter to you today because I feel that we are moving in very different directions. You have become bitter with age, volatile, hurtful and at times, just plain violent. I, on the other hand, have been trying to evolve as a human being but you seem to be holding me back.

You see, I thought maybe it was just a tiff, you would wrench my abdomen, brain wash me and hold me hostage for a couple of day but then you would release me. You would straighten up and make nice with me. I thought maybe you would change, get better... maybe we could make this work.

Then you caused me trauma. Your abuses became more frequent and with time you started taking over my entire being. I found myself lashing out at people and being nasty in a way that was so very unlike me and in time, I found out you were to blame. The hair on my chin was fucked up... drunken pranks are one thing but when you added that shit to my toes you just straight pissed me off.

The hot flashes were annoying but you went over the line with the hemorrhagic bleeding for over a month straight and night sweats to boot. If I wasn't waking up soaked in blood it was sweat... you vicious bastards.

I am writing to tell you I would get rid of you but it appears that won't even help. You have poisoned my entire body and I would rip your from my person right now if I could and burn you while dancing naked around the fire and then bathe in your ashes you sadistic little pricks!!!! It appears that won't help either.

Most recently it seems that leaking from all my pores and my crotch wasn't enough from you, you had to make me leak from another place too... my eyes. I have wept rivers recently thanks to you and I have no recourse but this fucking letter.

So here's what I wanted to say to you, you rotten, fucked up, sadistic, hormone over producing, hair on my chin creating, fat ass making sacks of worthless tissue that would be better served with garlic on a bed of rice... did I mention you are causing me to have horrid mood swings and memory loss???

I hate you, with a passion, but since it appears I am stuck with you and getting rid of you won't fix the problem I am begging you to reconsider your ways. Please be kind to me. Stop making me want to reach into my vagina and seek you out with a scud missile. We can work this out... it can be like old times when you simply made me hate everyone for three days a month. We had so much fun back then, think of all the people we could piss off and then cry to... good times... remember?

If you continue this ongoing assault on my body I am going to have no other recourse than to punch myself in my vagina numerous times. It might not stop your wicked ways but, damn it, maybe it will get my mind off of you.

Sincerely,
Paula

PS. I hope when God gives me my perfect body to spend eternity in that he leaves you off of it and that you rot in hell!!!!

I laughed and laughed...
 
 
 
Mari Adkinsmariadkins on July 30th, 2007 10:01 pm (UTC)
This is so going on my blog!