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10 May 2005 @ 12:19 am
Disturbing Dream  
I had a disturbing dream.

In this dream I am having a medical procedure done. I arrive the doctor's office. I don't know why this is needed, really, I just go along with it.

I am told to lie down on the exam table and that I am going to have this done while awake using a local anesthetic. I am given shots in my lip and cheek. I'm trying to remain calm, not liking this idea of being awake. The doctor comes in, takes a pair of blunt nosed scissors often used in hospitals, and proceeds to cut upwards from my left upper lip to my cheek under my left eye. I feel intense pain despite the local anesthetic, just as I do for my cardiac catheterizations. I am being butchered, for my own good as I've been told, by this doctor. I am supposed to be a good patient, lie there and be still and breathe deeply into the pain. I am flashing back to all of the times I have done just that, allowed myself to be hurt in the name of medicine and health and well being only to feel like I've been violated and mutilated and betrayed.

I am laying there bleeding, being mopped up, light shining into my eyes so the doctor can see how he butchers me for my own good once again.

I am praying, praying for this to be over so I can be alone and cope with the pain and what's been done to me this time. Bleeding, hurting, cutting, more cutting, more pain, until with a heaving breath I break through into consciousness and wake up, breathing hard like I've been running, running away from the pain.

Safe, safe in my own bed with the sun shining through. Remembering.
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