Tapati (tapati) wrote,

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Disturbing Dream

I had a disturbing dream.

In this dream I am having a medical procedure done. I arrive the doctor's office. I don't know why this is needed, really, I just go along with it.

I am told to lie down on the exam table and that I am going to have this done while awake using a local anesthetic. I am given shots in my lip and cheek. I'm trying to remain calm, not liking this idea of being awake. The doctor comes in, takes a pair of blunt nosed scissors often used in hospitals, and proceeds to cut upwards from my left upper lip to my cheek under my left eye. I feel intense pain despite the local anesthetic, just as I do for my cardiac catheterizations. I am being butchered, for my own good as I've been told, by this doctor. I am supposed to be a good patient, lie there and be still and breathe deeply into the pain. I am flashing back to all of the times I have done just that, allowed myself to be hurt in the name of medicine and health and well being only to feel like I've been violated and mutilated and betrayed.

I am laying there bleeding, being mopped up, light shining into my eyes so the doctor can see how he butchers me for my own good once again.

I am praying, praying for this to be over so I can be alone and cope with the pain and what's been done to me this time. Bleeding, hurting, cutting, more cutting, more pain, until with a heaving breath I break through into consciousness and wake up, breathing hard like I've been running, running away from the pain.

Safe, safe in my own bed with the sun shining through. Remembering.
Tags: gr, health, mbp

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