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17 June 2007 @ 09:57 pm
This never gets old  
Does the word of God seem really confusing sometimes?

Things to remember when quoting the bible and persecuting people.

Laura Schlessinger dispenses sex advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that as an observant Orthodox Jew homosexuality is to her an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance.

Dear Dr. Laura.

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your radio show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific Bible laws and how to follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours bitch to the zoning people. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?



b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. What do you think would be a fair price for her? She's 18 and starting college. Will the slave buyer be required to continue to pay for her education by law?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence and threaten to call Human Resources.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

Why can't I own Canadians? Is there something wrong with them due to the weather?

e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should this be a neighbourhood improvement project? What is a good day to start? Should we begin with small stones? Kind of lead up to it?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. I mean, a shrimp just isn't the same as a you-know-what.

Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would contact lenses fall within some exception?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? The Mafia once took out Albert Anastasia in a barbershop, but I'm not Catholic; is this ecumenical thing a sign that it's ok?

i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?



j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Terry Farless
 
 
 
equani_tsulaequani_tsula on June 18th, 2007 10:38 am (UTC)
roflmao
Thank you very kindly for that. I needed that. I got accosted by a rabid bible thumper last week as I walked out of the restaurant in the morning. You see, she could remember when SHE wore her hair like mine is now (my head is shaven at the moment) and she just wanted to tell me that God loved me and could save me from myself. You see, when she wore her hair that way she was an angry, hurt, depressed young woman living a *gasp* lesbian lifestyle. She left her love of 3 years when she got God and now life is just Awesome for her.

Now, mind you, I had headed out to the car intending to get a nap while James finished some stuff inside. I was tired. Still, this old pagan brought young bible thumper to a grinding halt when I proved to be able to quote the bible right back at her, when I smiled and was kind and nice and friendly and reasonable, but Pagan, bisexual, shaven headed, and not angry at all, but happy, thank you. After a while she was reduced to say over and over "God is Awesome, God is just so Awesome, I wish I could just express to you how Awesome God is..." I agreed, and added that the Goddess is Awesome, too. :D
labrys6 on June 18th, 2007 03:01 pm (UTC)
Now, Damn it...you KNOW that is not how the Bible Cafeteria works....you only choose the CONVENIENTLY nasty parts to obsess over, ok?

Geez....these folks SO need to get a life, the Dr. Lauras and all...and by the way, does she wear pantsuits, cause dudes, THAT is a no-no as well!
3treekisser3treekisser on June 18th, 2007 03:03 pm (UTC)
+++Why can't I own Canadians? Is there something wrong with them due to the weather?+++

FOMCROTFLMAOPMP!!!
Tapatitapati on June 18th, 2007 03:25 pm (UTC)
I know, this was one of my favorites too, and I immediately thought of Illgrace.
batchfilebatchfile on June 18th, 2007 06:16 pm (UTC)
yes it HAS been around, but for some reason it NEVER gets old!

NEVER!

bwaahahah!

everybody gives my house a wide berth. and i do mean everybody. no clue why. must be the witch bottle buried out front.