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04 April 2006 @ 02:20 am
In a tailspin  
The past few days I've just been in a tailspin. Not even sure what that means, exactly, but Chavi's death, though expected, just kicked my ass. That and my fears about my job search--the process, worried about where I'll end up and what it will be like, feeling burned and not wanting to risk it again--have me trying my best to stuff my overwhelming feelings. Knowing how unhealthy THAT can be, I am trying to find ways to work through them. Some writing in my more private, paper journal may help. I think I need a good hot tub and an equally good cry. I have cried a bit but I feel like I've barely lanced the boil of pain that's trying to bubble up to the surface.

If I seem inattentive at all, that's why.

I also failed to work on my resume this weekend but it's the first thing on my TO DO list tomorrow.
crushednchurned on April 5th, 2006 06:37 am (UTC)
Tapatitapati on April 5th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)
Thanks, I needed that. :)

I'm doing better today, in large part due to the appearance of the sun. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a bitch.
(Anonymous) on April 14th, 2006 08:18 am (UTC)
waiting for it to hit
I'm sorry about what you are going through. I'm going through something similar and it's difficult as I'm not one to 'spill', if you know what I mean (both by training and inclination, I'm a private person and also have had my roots somewhat hardened off by the last few years).

My mom died in November, my brother was found in totally grusome circumstances and my father died in my arms a couple of weeks ago. As executrix (and mother), I had to hold it together. It's worrying me that no tears have come and yet - I have no other family ( my son is now my family)and what I considered 'home' for so long , I'm selling. All those conflicting emotions swirling through. I know it's going to hit and just wish it would and I could get through it. The longer one pushes it away, the stronger it will hit. I know it sounds, hmmm, wrong? strange? maladjusted?, but I just can't grieve yet. Perhaps it's all been too much in a short (4 month) time period?
I do find it coming out in odd ways like forgetting what I was talking about in the middle of a sentance, staring off into the distance - that kind of thing.

It's difficult not being able to find the catharsis religion and belief structures seem to supply people. Though sometimes I wonder if they really do when the 'bigs' in life hit?

I also am in the middle of changing careers and scared shiteless and full of insecurities as it's a totally different field.

I hate to 'brain suck', but any ideas on this? And no, being in the profession I'm in no is no help at all, as I'm sure you understand. No doctor takes out her own appendix.

Sorry if this is TMI, but when I returned and found out about Chavi, it just , well, you know.

It's been a grim and grey winter for sure.

As for S.A.D., I get mine in summer. Yes, some people do.

I do so want to 'start' again before that trip happens! Though it's interesting what perspective can achieve also.

Perhaps it won't seem so bad this year.

Tapatitapati on April 14th, 2006 11:21 pm (UTC)
Re: waiting for it to hit
I am so sorry you've had so much to deal with all at once. I dont' know why but sometimes it does just seem like it comes in waves.

I've always suspected that the so called "numbness" of early grief is really just an overwhelming of our ability to process--too many thoughts and feelings all at once creating a mental white noise effect. I think this is just normal. Whether one is religious or not, I think the process is pretty much the same and just takes time to go through. I may find some small solace in the notion that Chavi still exists--but it's not going to bring her back to ecauldron where I can read her new posts. That grief is the same for everyone.

Do you have to sell your home while going through this process? The standard advice is not to make major changes in the first year of grief. One's judgment is not up to par and stability is helpful while adjusting to change. Some rush to get away from an environment that reminds them of their loved ones only to find that in a subsequent stage of grief they desperately want those reminders.

It does seem like you're experiencing a truckload of change all at once, all of them at or near the top of the classic list of major stressors. Anything you can put off, please do!

I've heard of the summer version of seasonal depression. I don't know how they treat it, though. Would a trip to the southern hemisphere be helpful? The accommodations should be discounted in their winter, I should think! Or you could do something really wild and sign up to be on the antartica station team! (Did you read that book...I think it's called ice bound...by that woman who got cancer while she was there? Great book, I thought.)

My favorite grief book of all time is "How To Survive The Loss of a Love" and is always in print, even in paperback now. It is the only such book that actually takes into account our wandering mind and is written in short, digestible bits that are soothing to read as well as informative about the process. It always gives me hope that I'll get through it this time. It is suitable for any kind of grief, not only death. What you are experiencing mentally is quite normal, don't worry. Be careful of accidents, grieving people actually become accident prone.

I'm with you on the fear of career change. I want to do something different and am also afraid of ending up in some horrible workplace and having to switch yet again. That's part of why I stayed 8 years at my last job.

Good luck with yours and do feel welcome to bend my ear whenever you need to. :)

Take care,