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08 January 2006 @ 04:50 am
No, I haven't taken up a new eating disorder. I'm having a colonoscopy and have to fast and empty out my digestive system in preparation. I've never been an adherent of the colon cleansing as cure-all theory. If I were I'd at least embrace this chance to cleanse my colon and purge the toxins supposedly stored there. But I'm merely feeling resentful that I have to drink liquids for a day and a half and use laxatives. Blah. And what did I do this evening but read one of the herbal mysteries by Susan Wittig Albert? What frustration! Filled with dill-based recipes and foods, herb-filled quiches and cucumber salads, dill dressings and breads...nearly every chapter someone had a great meal or hearty snack while my stomach growled menacingly.

So I am out of sorts and have another day of this before my procedure. I feel sure I will devour everything in my refrigerator when I am allowed to eat something besides clear liquids once again. I need to find something less food-centric to read tomorrow. And perhaps I shall finally settle down with the DVD of the film Fierce Grace, about Ram Dass and his recovery from stroke. If there's one thing I fear more than hunger it's anything to do with brain damage. Yet I am at risk for stroke as for heart attack, so by watching this I hope to face down my fear.

Still pondering my options for finding meaningful and gainful employment. Still satisfied with my decision to quit, no matter how scary the idea of a job search may be. One has to purge the old to make way for the new, after all. I'm just rusty at this renewal thing. It's been awhile since I last reinvented myself.

Fear of stroke, fear of death, fear of job interviews: it's the same beast in different guises. I'm far too stubborn to simply give in to his claws and teeth. I've been through this battle before--he looks ferocious but when you face him down you find that he's really just a fangless wimp who rolls over and presents his belly. His only real power is in exploiting your self-doubt.