My forum members, knowing I used to love to sing, challenged me to post some of the songs from the Hare Krishna days. We all loved the music and are somewhat nostalgic for it--even if we might disagree with parts of the philosophy.

I warned them that following my hysterectomy, my vocal cords are damaged by the breathing tube--probably when they removed it, because that hurt in a way that it didn't hurt after my heart surgery. Much of my range is too rough to even sing, and I can't sustain some notes. But I bowed to pressure and so here are a couple of very short bits of Hare Krishna music sung a cappella. I stayed in the safest part of my range.

Tulasi Arati

I still have a fondness for Tulasi Devi, and now think of her as a Goddess. She appears in the form of a plant in the basil family. Here are some Tulasis:( Read more... )

For three years I've tried to have former devotees of Krsna and current devotees of Krsna co-existing on the same forum, Gaudiya Repercussions. A handful of non-traditional devotees, those who've revised their beliefs or practices a bit and tried to keep the best parts of the philosophy and the joyful chanting and dancing (not to mention feasting), were able to be content there because by and large what we criticize are the parts they jettisoned.

Then there are the purists, who left ISKCON only because of its corruption and have never stopped believing in their guru and scriptures literally, 100%. They are not so happy there but they seem drawn just as surely as any masochist to the whip. Periodically they complain about our complaining, argue that our forum name shouldn't contain the word "Gaudiya" and our topics might give a newbie the wrong idea if they should stumble across our forum. (If you type Gaudiya into Google we come up near the bottom of the first page.)

Well, we're not changing our name. And any name we chose would necessarily reference our common theme, that of being former devotees of Krsna, or Gaudiya Vaishnavas as they say in India. Former Krsnas, Ex Hare Krishnas, Krishnas who left...I can't think of anything that wouldn't come up in their searches anyway.

We finally decided to expel the purists. I've given them two weeks to complete their business, PM their friends, copy their blog and gallery pics, and leave.

This was spurred by my attempt to revive my friendship with Swarup, his numerous complaints about the forum and the damage it does, how offensive it is, and so on. He kept saying we shouldn't mix current and former devotees...almost like he was begging to be cut off from his masochistic practice of reading that which he found so offensive. So I have.

I guess the moral is that some cowboys and some farmers can be friends--if they respect each other's choice of occupation and keep good boundaries. But if one or the other is convinced they have the best and even the only decent profession, there's bound to be trouble. And let's not get into ex-cowboys turned farmers trying to get along with cowboys. That's just way too messy.

Old advertisements are a peephole into the past, giving hints about how our culture was then in contrast to now. We have a topic at my forum, Gaudiya Repercussions, where ads from various points in our history have been posted, extolling the virtues of everything from sugar and lard, TV, and using Lysol in a solution for douching if you want to save your marriage.

Check it out!

See an example behind the cut.

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I sent an email to our tech support consultant.

Just a note to say yes I've noticed the technical problems at GR and have sent an email to our consultant. Sorry I wasn't more on top of it, still getting over my cold and busy tying up loose ends for my job.

It appears that the Cyber-Goddess is giving us all a time out on Gaudiya Repercussions. Our consultant has been notified.

In the mean time, enjoy the peace.

On my forum we always have a Happy Birthday topic and I'd quite forgotten that they'd have one for me. My friends say the sweetest things, and posted the most beautiful pictures.

As I'm sitting here all stiff and sore from moving, they brought tears to my eyes yet simultaneously cheered me up.

I am so blessed to know them!

I am aware that GR is not allowing access to topics right now and I have notified my admin consultant by email. As we are in radically different time zones, please be patient with us.

Thanks!

Tapati

As I've written before, my daughter and I are walking together regularly now. It is paying off in some obvious ways already. Today I noticed that a challenging hill, where at first we had to stop and rest part way up, is now easier to do and we can get to the top without taking a break. I also decided to see how far we've been walking. It may not seem like much if you're not a heart patient, and formerly I could walk much farther too, but it was 1.6 miles total. Granted at my pace it takes me a long time to do but still, it's progress. And I'm carrying about 150 pounds more than most people would, so I'm doing a lot of work to get there.

I'd like to be up to 3 miles before going back to work, and moving a bit faster if I can without straining my heart.

I hope when I'm working again that we can still find a time to walk together, even if very early in the morning. It's been great to be able to talk to my daughter while walking. We both love gardening and we enjoy seeing what people have done in their front yards. It makes the time go by more quickly.

While I'm sure it's helping my cardiovascular system immensely, my migraines are going on unabated. I long for the days when it used to be a monthly thing rather than a few per week. I have been feeling like I will lose my mind if the pain doesn't stop. I am ready to try Topomax even though the side effects look alarming to me, and I'm also ready to ask for stronger drugs. I'm sorry, Vicodin is so useless that I often conclude it's not worth the fuzzy-mindedness to take it. Ibuprofen tears up my stomach in short order, so I have to be sparing with it, and tylenol alone does nothing. It's time for the big guns, and I think that I've demonstrated my ability not to get into trouble with such drugs. I make vicodin last me a year per 60 tablet bottle. I have a rule never to take something of that nature more than three days in a row. No matter what. That seems to work for me and I rarely reach even those three days before I stop.

My forum has been lively lately and taking up a fair amount of time. I am actually hoping for some drama to die down soon so I can get back to other things.

I am aware the forum is down, my understanding is that my ISP needs to do something on their end and they are not open on Sundays. However, by tomorrow morning at 8 AM they will get my message and respond.

I apologize for any inconvenience, although from what my husband says perhaps it's a good thing that there is a cooling off period.

The principles in a drama on my forum have been speaking through me. If I do any more mediating I'll have to start charging.

All day long I kept receiving private messages from the other woman in a romantic triangle that was revealed on my forum. She wants to convince me that she was not the main instigator. I keep thinking, "What does this really matter? Why am I the one to convince?" while I try to deal with my own feelings about infidelity in general and my own history with it in particular.

I gather she turned to me because all of her other contacts stopped speaking to her, especially the object of her affections.

I finally convinced her that I am pretty much not interested in seeing it her way and that there's no mileage in bothering me about it.

In the middle of this I got a break--to go have a pap smear and endometrial biopsy. Ouch! I returned to moderate the forum while cramping. If they only knew how much I hurt they would have praised my self restraint.

If the biopsy comes back normal, as I expect it to, I have to choose between endometrial ablation or partial hysterectomy to deal with my bleeding problem once and for all. Removing the uterus would make it a sure thing, and take care of the pain I experience during my periods lately--off the charts. Since I have some unexplained pain in the pelvic area that they want to look at laparascopically, I was told it would only be a slightly longer procedure to just take out the uterus. It's not like I plan to have more children. It would, however, require a hospital stay of two days and clearance from my cardiologist. I am going to make an appointment with him and see what he says. It can be risky for a heart patient to go under general anesthetic, but I am a young heart patient with only mild heart damage. I ought to be ok. And at the end of it I can maybe be free of at least one type of pain I experience. I think it's worth it.

So I'm leaning towards removing the uterus and mulling it over. I would of course keep my ovaries.

I have spent the last twenty four hours feeling caught between two online friends from my forum who have a serious dispute. I've done my best to do right by each of them but it's taken a lot out of me. I'm also sorry this had to happen and that it was made public in my forum, although I understand it had to come out. People could have been hurt more by keeping it secret.

We all get caught up in our shadow sometimes and it's good if our friends can help us get back out rather than condemn us. I hope I've communicated that.

May 22 2005, 03:22 AM
One of the factors that I now abhor about my former GV path was the fundamentalist nature of it. By that I mean that spiritual arrogance that says, we are saved, everyone else is going to the hellish planets or taking an animal birth.

Some say that the spiritual newbie (also known as kanistha adhikari) needs this air of certainty, this black and white all or nothing certainty in order to stay fixed on the path of devotional service.

If that's true, when do they graduate?

When do they get to the level where they admit to themselves and others that none of us has absolute proof of just what the absolute truth is? Yet we are satisfied to continue on our spiritual path anyway!

For myself, I was forced to abandon that path when I fell off that razor's edge they are always going on about and admitted I was something they abhor: queer.

In a search for a sane spiritual community, I washed up on the forgiving and accepting shores of Wicca. I am part of a larger Pagan community that accepts my spiritual foibles and willingly embraces my spiritual authenticity, even when my path meanders away from their own.

On one hand I admit: I do not hold the keys to the absolute truth. Further, I believe no human does--or can! I do not think our puny incarnate brains can contain that knowledge. I think we'd bust a gasket or something equally vital trying.

I don't think the absolute truth, be it personified, expects us to comprehend the Whole Truth with the equipment we are given.

Here's what I do think:

I think the Divine contains everything within and without our experience.

I think the Divine is benign and compassionate, and wants us to evolve spiritually and materially as a species and as individuals.

I think we are given help along the way, and what glimpses of the Divine that we can handle.

I think that we are rewarded for our sincere effort to discover spiritual truths and live by them to the best of our abilities.

I think being compassionate to others is more important than being right.

I think I am already accepted and loved by the Divine exactly as I am, warts and all, sexual orientation included.

I think the Divine could care less how much sex I have as long as I hurt no one while having it.

I think the Divine has no problem with eggplant or garlic or onions or mushrooms.

I think that ultimately, as we progress on our disparate spiritual paths we eventually learn the same lessons and come to see the same goals, even if we think in the beginning that we are going to different places.

I think we should stop sweating the small stuff and see that the big picture is learning to love and accept each other and create peace on this precious planet we've been entrusted with.

I think that having spent all these years since I was 13 on my spiritual journey that I am going to be all right at the time of death, and be greeted by love on the other side.

I know that the Loving Presence I have so often felt in life will be no less present at the time of my death.

Blessed Be--

Tapati

I had a disturbing dream.

In this dream I am having a medical procedure done. I arrive the doctor's office. I don't know why this is needed, really, I just go along with it.

I am told to lie down on the exam table and that I am going to have this done while awake using a local anesthetic. I am given shots in my lip and cheek. I'm trying to remain calm, not liking this idea of being awake. The doctor comes in, takes a pair of blunt nosed scissors often used in hospitals, and proceeds to cut upwards from my left upper lip to my cheek under my left eye. I feel intense pain despite the local anesthetic, just as I do for my cardiac catheterizations. I am being butchered, for my own good as I've been told, by this doctor. I am supposed to be a good patient, lie there and be still and breathe deeply into the pain. I am flashing back to all of the times I have done just that, allowed myself to be hurt in the name of medicine and health and well being only to feel like I've been violated and mutilated and betrayed.

I am laying there bleeding, being mopped up, light shining into my eyes so the doctor can see how he butchers me for my own good once again.

I am praying, praying for this to be over so I can be alone and cope with the pain and what's been done to me this time. Bleeding, hurting, cutting, more cutting, more pain, until with a heaving breath I break through into consciousness and wake up, breathing hard like I've been running, running away from the pain.

Safe, safe in my own bed with the sun shining through. Remembering.

This Beltane was the last of 4 days I took off. I got a lot done during this long weekend and today (since my Beltane day has not ended yet) I set up my new altar I purchased Thursday. Finally I have a table suitable for my old altar layout. I have my spiral of small stones once again. I set it up in the living room where I can see it easily as I am on the computer, and it is so beautiful it draws my eyes frequently.

I have been looking through and continuing to sort my papers, photos, writing, and family history information. I am trying to organize this material and preparing to write up a family history for my grandsons.

I spent time with my grandsons, Jonathan and Valente, yesterday. They are growing so fast. I love how attached they are to Dave, just as I loved my step-grandpa dearly. I had no sense that he was a "step" and in fact didn't realize that for many years. They also simply know Dave as Grandpa and it is wonderful to watch him playing cars with them.

For the most part the weather has been good and we drove to a nearby city for a concert (sorry for my vagueness but I have to consider security) on Thursday. That's when I found the table for my altar.

My energy has been much improved and I attribute it to the acupuncture, which I started after my blood count was already in the normal range. At the time I started I still felt weak and tired. I noticed an immediate improvement, which I didn't even expect. I am happy with my treatments and the TCM doc I see.

So I am content and well rested and Dave and I had a wonderful time over the weekend. I treasure days like these and know how precious they are. I wish everyone could be this happy.

Happy Beltane!

Kuan Yin, Mother of Mercy, rains down Her compassion upon women, especially those who are victimized in some way. This is one of the many things that drew me to Her in the first place.

Those of us who made it out of abusive situations are always looking back, trying to throw out a lifeline to those currently suffering. I love it that there is a Goddess who looks out for all of us and is there to ease our broken hearts and empower us.

At the end of the day, doesn't each and every one of us deserve the shelter of a safe harbor? No matter what our gender, age, income, I.Q., disability, don't we all need to feel that there is one place in all the world that is our sanctuary?

Why should we have to leave our own home to find such a place?

Even soldiers have a safe base to retreat to in times of war.

I have tried to find many opportunities since I escaped my ex husband to help other women who are facing domestic violence situations. I first volunteered in a women's shelter. I loved it, and yet it was heartbreaking watching some of the women return to their abusive husband, knowing nothing had changed. Back then there weren't any laws mandating counseling for the men, and women still had to be willing to testify against them for legal charges to be pursued. Now, once police have been called (and neighbors, please do your part and call them!) and they see evidence of abuse, they don't need the wife to press charges.
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Today is a day of taking care of business, of unpleasant tasks shoved aside for far too long.

I have completed my "Five Wishes" directive for medical care and only have to get it signed by two witnesses. I did research so that I could determine at what point I would want CPR to stop after my heart has stopped beating. After reviewing a number of studies I chose 4 minutes as the cut off point. Beyond that, good outcomes went sharply down as more brain tissue was damaged by anoxia. Under 4 minutes most patients made a good recovery with minor brain damage. I feel comfortable with that. I know that at 5 minutes my aunt had severe brain damage. I feel safe with 4 and under as my guideline.

Next I am going through and paring down some of my stuff and doing laundry. So I don't expect to be online much today.

Later I have my full moon observance. That is a blessed ending to my busy day.

On Earth Day I contemplated our foolhardiness in depending on oil right up to the last drop, as it appears we are doing. If we don't start to embrace other energy technologies as soon as possible, we are in for a worldwide depression and it serves us all right. I know that most of us feel powerless to do anything about this global issue but there are things we can do.

We can write to our representatives and express how important we think it is to discover and implement alternative energy sources. Solar was making a big push when it was supported by tax credits for implementing solar systems. There are things government can do to encourage alternative energy use.

We can use such sources wherever feasible, especially when buying a new car. Bio-diesel or hybrid cars are a good start. Avoiding SUVs certainly helps.

We can recycle plastic. That is getting easier and easier to do in places which have curbside recycling programs. If your community doesn't have that, push for it.

We can alter our lifestyle voluntarily now to conserve energy as much as possible. This delays the day when we are forced to alter it even more, after all.

We can focus on getting as much of our goods and food locally as possible to reduce the amount of goods that are trucked in from other areas at a great energy cost.

We can educate those around us who aren't taking these steps yet. We can research other things we can do.

In the entire life cycle of this beautiful planet Earth there is only a small percentage during which it will support humans. Let's not make that window of time even smaller than it is. Let's take better care of our planet. If everyone started doing something every day that benefits the environment, with over 6 billion people we would make an impact.

Blessed Be--

Tapati

Apr 16 2005, 10:38 PM (copied from Gaudiya Repercussions forum)
We sent off our tax payment Friday morning and I try not to think about how badly the money is being used these days. Meanwhile gas is getting higher and higher and it really hits us because Dave commutes about 45 minutes to get to work. He drives a van, and of course that takes more gas than a smaller vehicle.

I have many of the same feelings that Preyobrazhenya has about the actions of our current administration. My one ray of hope is that the worse things get, the more open people will be to a Democrat in '08. For now, I respond when my party asks me to do sign a petition or other action and try not to focus so much on the things I cannot control. Controlling stress is vital for a heart patient and I am reminded of the Serenity prayer's advice to accept the things I cannot change. I did everything I could to try to achieve a change of leadership, and my side lost. So we must bide our time now.

Meanwhile it is springtime here where I live. I am looking for plants, big pots, and nurturing seedlings into maturity. With the time change the light lasts into the evening and therefore I enjoy more of it. So I am starting to come out of my winter depression. Now if I only had more physical energy to go with the mental energy. I did feel much better for a couple of days after my acupuncture appointment recently. I figure the allopathic docs have had their way with me for the last 4 years; it is time to bring in another paradigm of treatment.

Every spring it is exactly like I've been hibernating all winter. I start to wake up, look around, realize that stuff has been accumulating all winter that I need to go through and pare down, that I haven't been spending enough time with the people I love, and I dive into cleaning and socializing and arranging and planting. It is my favorite time of year, normally. I have all those implulses this year, just not the energy to follow through. It has been easy to divert my attention into this forum (Gaudiya Repercussions) because I simply have to sit and write. I can do that.



I am inspired to take care of my end of life preparations and gathering together what I want in terms of atmosphere, verses or ritual, directive, updating my information for settling my affairs, and just to feel like I have taken care of those details for my family. It is the last thing I can do for them. I don't want them to have to search for information during their grief, or wonder what memorial or burial I would want or how to word the obituary. I want it all ready in a neat packet that everyone knows the location of. I have a lot of it done but it's not all neatly organized and I might want to change some of it.

I am thinking ahead to my next life as well. I guess that's the ultimate in renewal, a whole new body that no longer aches, lacks energy, or faces sudden death. I am trading in for a new model.

As a devotee I was taught that my new body or life was all a result of karma and my consciousness. Now I am finding myself more and more drawn to a paradigm that I used to recoil from: that we ourselves decide what kind of birth we take and what challenges we face. As the theory goes, in between lives we review our progress, our mistakes, and contemplate what we need to learn in the future. We work with a guide or even a group who advise us. We have the opportunity to study various subjects as well. When we are ready to reincarnate, we choose our family. I recoiled from this idea because I couldn't imagine in a million years that I chose my family. Now, in retrospect, they taught me many important lessons in this life in the negative--how NOT to be. The legacy of challenges from my family of origin have kept me busy for much of this life, overcoming the verbal abuse, the depression, the povery, the genetic heritage, and the manipulation. It has also taught me about forgiveness, and seeing my family in the context of their own upbringing. Each of them did the best they could from what they themselves were given, and each generation has parented better than the one before it. This culminates in my daughter, who I would be glad to have as a mother in a future life.

I can't help but feel that I was a little overzealous as I chose this lifetime, a short but intense series of trials. I think in my next life I want to go a bit easier on myself. So here is my current wish list for my next incarnation:

Two parents. Lesbian or gay is just fine with me.

A sibling or two to make childhood less lonely and more interesting. It would be great if I get along with at least one of them.

No major family dysfuncions, thanks. I don't ask for perfection, just no mental illness in my family.

I don't need to be rich, but middle class would be a step up. I'd like to have the advantages of a better education, things like piano lessons. (My family should value music and books, for sure.)

A healthier body from the start.

I want a socially conscious family, perhaps Wiccan but definitely a liberal spirituality, and I want a family that actively contributes to the community with volunteer work and money. There should be an obvious connection between spirituality and social justice and activism.

That's a good start. I am almost looking forward to it, but in due time.

Blessed Be--

Tapati

In watching the unfortunate Schaivo media frenzy, I was repeatedly struck by the version of God I was seeing portrayed. I like to call him the bummer God.

The bummer God is admittedly a jealous god. He admits it right up front. He wants no other gods to come before him. In one of His eastern incarnations, he is so jealous he doesn't want his followers to have sex unless they are trying to produce more worshippers for Him! So His followers had better not be seduced into woshipping one of those other gods and goddesses we hear about or else its off to hell with them.

The bummer God even wants to control your thoughts. You'd better not even think about sex, drugs, and rock n roll in His presence--and He is everywhere, either personally or working through His thought police. He is soon to be taking over a government near you. You are expected to do your part by voting His ticket.

The bummer God wants to monitor what you eat, how you eat it, and what prayers you say before your meal. He seems to have a lot to say about your bodily functions.

He also wants to control how you die, and fully expects you to cling to life no matter how feeble for reasons which He does not deign to mention.

The bummer God firmly believes in capital punishment, and in subsequent punishment in hell for all eternity. A kinder God might allow one incarceration in order to give someone a chance at redemption before death, but that God is for wimps. Only the righteous deserve a positive spiritual outcome anyway. After a lifetime of enduring the rules and regs of the bummer God, I imagine they must feel entitled.

Still, I wonder what kind of heaven the bummer God provides? How much fun could it be? Everyone there has spent a lifetime denying any material pleasures in sackcloth and ashes. By the time they make it to bummer God heaven, they must have long since forgotten how to loosen up and have fun. Worse yet, is the bummer God actually there, watching? Well, of course He is! So how can you have fun with somebody like that at the party? No, I can't imagine that their heaven is very fun. It probably looks good to them, though, after living their entire life in fear of the bummer God's hell. Eternal flames aren't too appealing, and I sure would feel relieved to escape them. I guess boredom looks pretty good by comparison.

I can only be happy that I do not worship or believe in the bummer God. I certainly hope He does not turn out to be the "one true God" or I'll be in a lot of trouble. I always figure I'll be leading the rebellion, but it'll be pretty hard to overthrow Him. I certainly can't imagine achieving pure love of the bummer God. I can't muster even the smallest desire to love Him.

I'll stick with my Goddess and Her consort. They know how to have fun, and don't mind if we join Them.