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05 June 2016 @ 06:50 am
Mahastraya Died on May 31st.  
I found out a few days ago that my first husband died of a blood clot on May 31st. Apparently he had a complication from a surgery and returned to the hospital and was in critical condition before he died. He was 4 years older than I am, born on September 26, 1954.

Given my own health issues I didn't expect to outlive him so I have a lot of mixed feelings. I am feeling my mortality and processing the fact that he will never make amends to my daughter or even validate the truth of her account of abuse. I know there are people who still love him and are grieving, and I feel for them. I have also had flashbacks of the abuse I experienced. He had such an impact on my life, good and bad, so his passing is a huge event even if I haven't been in touch with him for years.

It reminds me that I have to finish the memoir, which I had put on hold mainly because I still have to write about my childhood and that's particularly difficult. But I want to put it all behind me, the writing, the re-living, all of it.

I find myself playing Alive by Sia over and over these past few days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2NgsJrrAyM